Having it all?

It is really possible to have it all? The career, the family, the joy, the fulfillment? I've been a working professional for almost 15 years. (What? How did that happen?) I've been a mother for almost 6. (Again, Really?) The adjustment to motherhood was difficult for me though I didn't realize it at the time. It changed who I was, who I thought I should be and I took my ques from other moms. At the time I felt strongly that I both wanted to work and needed to work. I think the "want" part was more about sticking with what I knew how to do well and avoiding what I had no clue about - motherhood. But being a Mom changed everything about my life and my career was an unexpected part of that. Staying late at the office was not an option anymore. I needed and wanted more flexibility. My priorities changed. I no longer spent all weekend worrying about a specific project. In fact it left my mind as soon as I walked out the door, despite being just as important to my career and the company than before I had a family. Was I less committed? Less of a team player? I think I was less committed. Still am. It's something I struggle with because I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I hate doing things half-assed. Right now I feel that I do both my job and motherhood half-assed because my attention is always divided between the two. Secretly, I want to quit my job and stay home full-time. Am I coping out? Am I afraid of failure, success? At my level in my career, the pressure is greater, the stakes are higher and it's an all-in kind of game. I truly believe I don't want to play it anymore, or at least I need a break from it.



Problem is, of course, two-fold: Do I truly want out of a career, or is it just this particular job/company that's no longer a fit AND can, I really hack it at home? Will I love it as much as I think I'll love it, when I'm trying to get my tantrum throwing 3 year old to preschool on time and he's refusing to get dressed. And last and most importantly, can I even afford it?

School Days

Nathan has started Kindergarten and Kieran has started pre-school. It feels very odd to have both of them in school. Like I'm missing a limb, or a baby or something. I am very proud of how well Nathan has handled the transition to K. He is loving it. After the first day when walking home hand in hand he said "Not a single teardrop on my cheek, Mommy. I'm so proud of myself" He is such a sweet boy and growing up so fast. He asks daily if tomorrow is Thursday because that is gym class and he needs to be wearing sneakers. Funnily enough, he owns only sneakers, outside of his cleats so I'm not sure why he is so

concerned about it. I'd hardly send him to school barefoot or in slippers!

Kieran did very well on his first day at pre-school. He was sad and didn't want us to leave, but he did seperate as well as can be expected for a 3 year old that has never been away from his parents or grandparents. When asked if he likes school, he stops whatever he is doing, throws his arm in the air and screams "Yeaaa School" at the top of his lungs.

I have to say that I've spend the summer wondering how the start of school would go for both boys. Would they adjust, how hard will it be? But so far it has been a pretty smooth adjustment. I look forward to being around more for drop offs and pick-ups and not relying on my mom so much for that. Field trips, PTO meetings, play dates, homework, it's all ahead of us. An exciting time, but bittersweet in the sense that they aren't little babies anymore. They still need me, but in very different ways. I look forward to seeing how they grow this year and what new advertures school days bring.

You are so handsome, Mommy... and scratchy

A few memorable quotes worth sharing. My favorite being the post title, compliments of Kieran.

"I want to poke your eye out" Kieran age 2

"But if you don't have a pee-wee, where do you pee out of?" Nathan age 4

"Two hands on the wheel, please" Kieran & Nathan

"I think the Toaster Sticks must be out of season" Nathan, 4 on why Stop & Shop has been out of his breakfast staple for the last month

"I'll never forget you Mommy" Kieran 3 a few days before starting pre-school

Holiday Update

Well, much has happened in the past few months. Kieran is growing like a bean sprout. (a small bean sprout). Loves to suck his fingers and may eat himself before he's one. Nathan, is growing taller and smarter. Now in his big boy bed after his daredevil event...tried to bungee jump from his crib...without the bungee cord, but no permanent damage, other than the fact he refuses to go to bed before 10pm now regardless of naps or no naps.
Mommy and Daddy are just plain "tuckered" as some might say, but we believe in the light at the end of the tunnel. Just a really long tunnel at this point.
The family took a nice trip up to New Hampshire for a hotel stay w/pool and a train ride with Santa. Both kids had a blast and it was fun to get out of the house.
Just had a wonderful month with Hannukah and Christmas. Nathan got more loot than most 3rd world countries. We are in the process of purchasing countless toy organizing furniture and most likely will have to buy a 2nd home. Daddy may have to sleep on the couch to make room.
We'll try to keep up with more highlights as the New Year begins. Trips to BabaPaloozza III or IV or something, Joshie's birthday, and much more.
Best to all this holiday season.

4 Weeks Old

Well the first month has flown by and was not as I expected. K is a great baby, sleeps and eats and hangs out. NeNe had a tougher adjustment to the new family but has been getting lots of alone time with Nana and Pop which he just loves. Another few weeks and he won't remember life before K anyway. Just got the double stroller so we took it out for its debut this morning and got some exercise treking around the Wakefield lake. We stopped at 2 parks for some playground time which NeNe thoroughly enjoyed. We hope to make it up to Gloucester tomorrow to see the Magoo Family for St. Peter's Fiesta. They just had a baby girl about 2 weeks before K arrived so it'll be great to see them. Highlights for next month include visits from Grandma and Grandpa and Betty, then it'll be time for the Wiggles concert with the NJ clan. Looking forward to an exciting summer!

Baby June Arrives......

Thursday May 31st my water broke at 7:30am in the morning. Not a huge break but it had happened with NeNe so I knew I hadn't just peed my pants. Anyway, I called the Dr. office and they had me come in. The Dr. was in surgery so I saw the Nurse and she was unable to confirm whether my water had broken or not. She sent me home and told me to call if contractions etc came on otherwise come back in the morning for my regularly scheduled appointment. So I went home and somewhat packed my bags and waited around. I realized nothing was happening so I sent Dave back to work and figured Baby June wouldn't arrive in May anyway so I at least had until the next day. I went to prenatal yoga and ate a lot of ice-cream. Went back in the next morning for my appt and the Dr. confirmed that my water had indeed broken and since it had been the day before that I needed to go right to Labor and Delivery. My dad was watching NeNe so I called to tell him he'd have to keep him for the day (scary thought) and called hubby to go home and pack a bag for me and meet me at the hospital. I arrived at the hospital and my friend M was working (she was my Doula for NeNe's birth and also teaches the yoga class I was taking). She was assigned as my nurse which was fantastic and even though her shift was over at 3pm she stayed until the baby was born. I was hooked up to the contraction machine and even though I was having contractions regularly I wasn't feeling a thing. They put me on pitocin to see if that would move things along but it really didn't make that much of an impact. I was thoroughly enjoying myself - walking around, eating sherbert and listening to wonderful nature scapes music. I thought this was going to be much easier than Nathan's birth and boy was I wrong...... Eventually they decided that the pitocin wasn't working and even though I was between 4 and 5 cms I wasn't progressing fast enought (my Dr. was very tired and wanted to go home). So, they fully ruptured my membranes (broke my water - I'd only had a slow leak) and then things really started moving. Within 2 minutes of them breaking my water I was in complete agony with very painful contractions. When I relaxed with certain contractions they weren't as bad but with M as my nurse and not my doula there were other things she needed to do and monitor and couldn't fully focus on the relaxation. I felt as bad as I did at the end of NeNe's birth when I felt I couldn't do it anymore and I wanted to either run away (ha ha) or call for my "Mommy" I was checked again and still only 5cms so I decided there was no way I was going to deal with this pain if I didn't need to so I called for the epidural (even though I'd been so proud that I didn't have one for NeNe's birth). The Dr. worked fast and I had an epidural very shortly after that but within the 10 mins of deciding to get one and having to sit up for him to put it in my back I was ready to push. I may have been the position I was sitting in for the epidural but the baby came down very quickly and I wanted to push right then and there - this was all of a half hour after they ruptured my water and I'd been eating sherbert and thinking things were great. They epidural worked really fast and as soon as it was in I was on back and pushing. The epidural was great in the sense that it really only numbed the pushing, which is numbing in and of itself, but because the edge was taken off I was really able to enjoy the birth itself. They put a big mirror up so I could watch and I know it sounds insane, but it was absoluletly incredible to watch. I pushed maybe all of 4 or 5 times and the baby was out. We could see the head first and as expected it was a full head of black hair and a small little head. Another push and the head was out and the final push and the back was out and then we saw them..... balls and a peepee. Maureen screamed "It's a Boy!" and I yelled "Oh Shit!" Most of you know we were expecting a little girl, who we had been prepping NeNe for and planned on calling her Claire. We were totally shocked to say the least. He's absolutely perfect though and we are so happy. We brought him home from the hospital in the cutest little pink outfit.... He looks a lot like NeNe did but with dark hair/skin/eyes. My Mom removed all the girl clothes from the dresser and closet and put them away and went through all of Nathan's old clothes to wash and put them away. We have girl bedding on the crib and the dresser has the most adorable furniture knobs with princess and cupcakes that will have to be replaced with airplanes and trucks at some point. He's an adorable little guy with a mild tempermend and we wouldn't change a thing. He was born at 7:04pm on June 1st weighting 8lbs 2oz and 20 1/2 inches long.

Anyway, that's the official story. We've now been home a week and I'm recovering well. NeNe is still adjusting, but all in all it's going great.

"She's Beautiful"

At the Dr. office this morning Nathan was absolutely hysterical. One young (20's) attractive woman came in and Nathan announces to the rest of the room "There's a pretty girl" then he proceeds to entice her into conversation by asking her the same endless question over and over and over again "What do I have in my hand?" for about 15 minues. She was fairly polite and would answer him occasionally but mostly myself or Dave would say "you have a bowl of fruit or you have your truck in your hand" whatever the case happened to be. Another woman came in later, who happened to be fairly pregnant, just like me, and I asked Nathan if he thought that lady had a baby in her belly and he looks over at her and says "She's beautiful!". Dave said she was rather attractive. I was called into the office shortly after that. Well, the Dr. was running about an hour and half late so I waited in examing room for about 45 mins and meanwhile more and more people kept showing up to the office and the waiting room was packed when I was finished. When we were leaving Dave asked Nathan to say goodbye and of course he looks over at the pretty young woman, tilts his head to the side and says in "bye bye" while batting his eyelashes. (The "beautiful" pregnant woman was no longer in the room). Then of course, Dave tries to get him to say goodbye to the rest of the room full of normal and maybe not so attractive people and it was like pulling teeth. He eventually gave a quick glance over the other women and says "bye" before we left. We are convinced we have a womanizer on our hands and are pretty sure we know his "type" already. Long straight dark hair and a nice smile! He's too funny and we are going to have to keep an eye on him - seems he might take after the original Pop.

Baby June

Can't believe it's been over 2 months since our last post. Not sure how other folks find time to post almost daily. Anyway, things have been great at Ne Ne's house. He turned 2 in late April and we had a great birthday party to celebrate. We started swimming lessons and have moved on from the Wiggles to the Little Einsteins. Daddy is growing grass and never actually thought he'd enjoy watching grass grow, but he does. He looks out eagerly every morning to see what's happened and runs out eagerly to run the sprinklers - too funny. Mommy is busting at the seams and can't believe Baby June is still 4 weeks away - will she ever come? Ne Ne got some new neighbors - 2 boys of 5 and almost 2 - they have parents as well. We are very excited, they seem very nice and it's great for Ne Ne to have a friend the same age. Mommy is majorly nesting which is driving Daddy crazy but there is lots of work still to be done before Baby June arrives. Nana just got back from a trip to Ireland for Auntie Terry's 50th birthday. She had a great time but Ne Ne missed her. Mother's Day was very nice and Mommy is so very happy to have such a wonderful family that loves her.

I want to go home to Grandma's house

Nathan's first words after our trip to San Diego were (said in a very whinny voice) "I want to go home to Grandma's house". Pop laughed and poor Nana cried. It was a long trip back and it's been almost 5 days since we've been home and Nathan's schedule is still turned upside down. The extra hour change this weekend didn't help either. But it was entirely worth the difficult week this week because we had a fantastic time and we can't wait to go again. Grandma had everything ready for us including a room full of toys and dress up gear for Nathan. We hit the aquarium, zoo, seaworld, parks and managed to squeeze a trip up to L.A. to see Jackson and Greer. Jackson's parents hosted us which was so nice of them especially since it was mid-week and Greer's parents had us over for a lovely lunch and even took time off work to accommodate our crazy schedule. We got to meet Gavin and see Gabriel again and Nathan really enjoyed all their toys and especially Gavin's motorcycle! Nathan also got to see his first girlfriend (they still enjoy a long distance relationship) Eliza, who came all the way from chilly Montreal to see Nathan at the zoo (okay, they happened to be visiting family in SD the same week we were) and all in all it was a wonderful week seeing family and friends and enjoying some much needed sunshine.

What's Babs Doing?

The question of the weekend was "What's Babs doing?" or "Where did Pete go?" The semi-annual Babsapalozza was held in lovely Meriden CT in mid-February. We had a fantastic time and spent most of our 24 hours there in the heated pool. Cammi, Nicholas and Nathan got along very well and all enjoyed snacking on veggie sticks. Marissa and Gillian bumped baby girl bellies and got lots of therapeutic back relief from the pool. The SU boys however greatly disappointed their brothers by not having a single drink all weekend. A big thanks to Babs and Mrs. Babs for getting us the rooms and organizing the trip. We can't wait for the next trip though we may need more room with the addition of a baby Miller and baby Novello. Connecticut is lovely in mid-February and we highly recommend it.

Bob the Builder

Daddy is a regular handy man around the house these days. Nathan and Mommy are quite shocked by the whole thing, but very happy at the same time. Nathan has taken to "fixing" things himself and replacing batteries all in his toys. Dad has fixed the microwave, fixed the bathroom door, assembled the new kitchen table and chairs, Nathan's new toddler bed (which needed new hardware which he had to go to Home Depot and figure out what to buy) and is now considering adding a new door for the basement. Our only complaint is that because he is so diligent and deliberate in his efforts he's rather slow. We expect with more practice he'll get much quicker. We aren't complaining though, it's nice that he does all this himself because my first thought would be to call someone to take care of it. The leaky basement pipe and the heating issues however will still be outsourced to professionals - maybe in a year or two Daddy will be up for the task.

Bath issues

Nathan has always been a water baby. Loves swimming and any and all things related to water. I swear he was the son of fisherman in a past life (strange dream I had). The last few days however he's gotten absolutely hysterical when he's been put in the bath and we cannot figure out why. We thought it was a water tempature issue but it doesn't appear to be that either. We hope its something that will resolve itself soon because it's making our bed time routine difficult and our trip to California won't be much fun if we can't go swimming.

Dave spent the entire weekend putting our new kitchen table and chairs together. We are so psyched to be finally rid of our Ikea 2 seater from our NYC days!

New Jersey

Josh turned 2 this past Friday so we packed up the car and headed to NJ for the weekend. It was so much fun to see the Miller cousins together. Nathan was a little overwhelmed at the actual birthday party given the large crowd of people and insisted on spending most of the party down in the basement. He did surface for the present portion and was well rewarded with plenty of gifts even though it wasn't his birthday. Josh and Kate were so much fun and getting so grown up since we'd last seen them in August. With a big sister as his role model Josh did insist on wearing a dress most of the weekend but he got some great boy dress up gifts to expand his wardobe for his birthday. The sleeping arrangements were pretty funny with Grandma in the basement on an air mattress and Kate on the floor in her parents room and Nathan in a full bed with us. A pack n play was available but Nathan much preferred sleeping in the bed with us. Josh being the birthday boy got to keep his room to himself for the weekend. We can't wait to get everyone together in April for Nathan's birthday. We will post some birthday pictures shortly.

June

Our ultrasound revealed a healthy little girl with no club feet (yay!). When asked what his baby sisters name should be, Nathan though for a moment or two and then responded "June". We thought this was hysterical and are now calling the baby June until she's born and offically named. Of course he decided this was a good name for her since we've been telling him he's getting a new baby in June. Very smart little guy. We've also determined recently that Nathan has a very good memory, he can say the last word on each page on almost all of his books that we read him on a fairly regular basis. "Bear goes to town every "day"" he likes to walk all the "way" etc.

We are off to NJ this weekend for Josh's 2nd birthday (time flys) and will be seeing the whole Miller Clan. We are looking forward to the trip and spending some quality time with the family. We'll have to head home early on Sunday though to make sure we are home for the Superbowl on Sunday night.

New House

"New house" "new house" is Nathan's new favorite phrase. He absolutely loves the new place and is so obsessed with his new playroom in the basement that he cries everytime he has to come upstairs to eat, take a bath etc. He's also sleeping like a champ now that he's back in his own crib and the room darkening shades are resulting in later morning wake ups which make mommy and daddy very happy. The move itself was rather painful thanks to a stomach flu(Nathan, Dave and Pop) and the house was pretty dirty after being unoccupied for over a year, but we finally have it in decent shape. Still lots to do but it's functional for now. We also found a mouse running around the kitchen on the first official day we were living here which was not good, but Dave caught him with a broomstick and bucket.

Ugh!

So, seeing as no one who knows me will be reading this blog anytime soon, I can discuss my morning sickness. Currently, it's pretty bad and it's very difficult running around after an 18 month old when you just want to lay down and sleep or visit the inside of the toilet bowl. We are very excited about this new baby, but he/she is a bit of a surprise for us. According to the babycenter website I'm due June 13th, which seems like a lifetime away. Still haven't made it to the Dr. since we are moving and I have to find a new one.

The Lion

Nathan has 2 halloween costumes. This is the first of them that he wore to Children's Day in Salem on October 14th. He has perfected his "roar" and didn't mind wearing the outfit at all.

We're Moving

Well, we are about to close on our first home and move out of our apartment in Salem. We are very excited and a little nervous as you can imagine given the financial obligations. Nathan has no idea he is moving and hopefully he'll like his new room and house. Dave and I expect him to love it after he gets used to it because he suffers from cabin fever in our small apartment all the time and we know he'll love having his own playroom in the basement. We have watched our friends blog for some time and have loved reading their entries and decided now was as good a time as any to get started. Nathan is almost 18 months old and absolutely hysterical. His favorite activity is reading and he says "shit" whenever he wants to read. He'll walk over to me with a book in his hand and say "shit, shit" and then I "sit" down and he sits on my lap and we read book after book. He has a cold at the moment which is making everyone cranky due to lack of sleep but he'll hopefully be fully recovered for Colin's b-day party in a week and a half. Nathan will be going to Colin's costume b-day party as Jack Jack from the Incredibles. He has an alternative costume which is a lion and he wore it all day Saturday around Salem for the official "Children's Day" in Salem.