Having it all?

It is really possible to have it all? The career, the family, the joy, the fulfillment? I've been a working professional for almost 15 years. (What? How did that happen?) I've been a mother for almost 6. (Again, Really?) The adjustment to motherhood was difficult for me though I didn't realize it at the time. It changed who I was, who I thought I should be and I took my ques from other moms. At the time I felt strongly that I both wanted to work and needed to work. I think the "want" part was more about sticking with what I knew how to do well and avoiding what I had no clue about - motherhood. But being a Mom changed everything about my life and my career was an unexpected part of that. Staying late at the office was not an option anymore. I needed and wanted more flexibility. My priorities changed. I no longer spent all weekend worrying about a specific project. In fact it left my mind as soon as I walked out the door, despite being just as important to my career and the company than before I had a family. Was I less committed? Less of a team player? I think I was less committed. Still am. It's something I struggle with because I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I hate doing things half-assed. Right now I feel that I do both my job and motherhood half-assed because my attention is always divided between the two. Secretly, I want to quit my job and stay home full-time. Am I coping out? Am I afraid of failure, success? At my level in my career, the pressure is greater, the stakes are higher and it's an all-in kind of game. I truly believe I don't want to play it anymore, or at least I need a break from it.



Problem is, of course, two-fold: Do I truly want out of a career, or is it just this particular job/company that's no longer a fit AND can, I really hack it at home? Will I love it as much as I think I'll love it, when I'm trying to get my tantrum throwing 3 year old to preschool on time and he's refusing to get dressed. And last and most importantly, can I even afford it?

School Days

Nathan has started Kindergarten and Kieran has started pre-school. It feels very odd to have both of them in school. Like I'm missing a limb, or a baby or something. I am very proud of how well Nathan has handled the transition to K. He is loving it. After the first day when walking home hand in hand he said "Not a single teardrop on my cheek, Mommy. I'm so proud of myself" He is such a sweet boy and growing up so fast. He asks daily if tomorrow is Thursday because that is gym class and he needs to be wearing sneakers. Funnily enough, he owns only sneakers, outside of his cleats so I'm not sure why he is so

concerned about it. I'd hardly send him to school barefoot or in slippers!

Kieran did very well on his first day at pre-school. He was sad and didn't want us to leave, but he did seperate as well as can be expected for a 3 year old that has never been away from his parents or grandparents. When asked if he likes school, he stops whatever he is doing, throws his arm in the air and screams "Yeaaa School" at the top of his lungs.

I have to say that I've spend the summer wondering how the start of school would go for both boys. Would they adjust, how hard will it be? But so far it has been a pretty smooth adjustment. I look forward to being around more for drop offs and pick-ups and not relying on my mom so much for that. Field trips, PTO meetings, play dates, homework, it's all ahead of us. An exciting time, but bittersweet in the sense that they aren't little babies anymore. They still need me, but in very different ways. I look forward to seeing how they grow this year and what new advertures school days bring.

You are so handsome, Mommy... and scratchy

A few memorable quotes worth sharing. My favorite being the post title, compliments of Kieran.

"I want to poke your eye out" Kieran age 2

"But if you don't have a pee-wee, where do you pee out of?" Nathan age 4

"Two hands on the wheel, please" Kieran & Nathan

"I think the Toaster Sticks must be out of season" Nathan, 4 on why Stop & Shop has been out of his breakfast staple for the last month

"I'll never forget you Mommy" Kieran 3 a few days before starting pre-school

Holiday Update

Well, much has happened in the past few months. Kieran is growing like a bean sprout. (a small bean sprout). Loves to suck his fingers and may eat himself before he's one. Nathan, is growing taller and smarter. Now in his big boy bed after his daredevil event...tried to bungee jump from his crib...without the bungee cord, but no permanent damage, other than the fact he refuses to go to bed before 10pm now regardless of naps or no naps.
Mommy and Daddy are just plain "tuckered" as some might say, but we believe in the light at the end of the tunnel. Just a really long tunnel at this point.
The family took a nice trip up to New Hampshire for a hotel stay w/pool and a train ride with Santa. Both kids had a blast and it was fun to get out of the house.
Just had a wonderful month with Hannukah and Christmas. Nathan got more loot than most 3rd world countries. We are in the process of purchasing countless toy organizing furniture and most likely will have to buy a 2nd home. Daddy may have to sleep on the couch to make room.
We'll try to keep up with more highlights as the New Year begins. Trips to BabaPaloozza III or IV or something, Joshie's birthday, and much more.
Best to all this holiday season.

4 Weeks Old

Well the first month has flown by and was not as I expected. K is a great baby, sleeps and eats and hangs out. NeNe had a tougher adjustment to the new family but has been getting lots of alone time with Nana and Pop which he just loves. Another few weeks and he won't remember life before K anyway. Just got the double stroller so we took it out for its debut this morning and got some exercise treking around the Wakefield lake. We stopped at 2 parks for some playground time which NeNe thoroughly enjoyed. We hope to make it up to Gloucester tomorrow to see the Magoo Family for St. Peter's Fiesta. They just had a baby girl about 2 weeks before K arrived so it'll be great to see them. Highlights for next month include visits from Grandma and Grandpa and Betty, then it'll be time for the Wiggles concert with the NJ clan. Looking forward to an exciting summer!

Baby June Arrives......

Thursday May 31st my water broke at 7:30am in the morning. Not a huge break but it had happened with NeNe so I knew I hadn't just peed my pants. Anyway, I called the Dr. office and they had me come in. The Dr. was in surgery so I saw the Nurse and she was unable to confirm whether my water had broken or not. She sent me home and told me to call if contractions etc came on otherwise come back in the morning for my regularly scheduled appointment. So I went home and somewhat packed my bags and waited around. I realized nothing was happening so I sent Dave back to work and figured Baby June wouldn't arrive in May anyway so I at least had until the next day. I went to prenatal yoga and ate a lot of ice-cream. Went back in the next morning for my appt and the Dr. confirmed that my water had indeed broken and since it had been the day before that I needed to go right to Labor and Delivery. My dad was watching NeNe so I called to tell him he'd have to keep him for the day (scary thought) and called hubby to go home and pack a bag for me and meet me at the hospital. I arrived at the hospital and my friend M was working (she was my Doula for NeNe's birth and also teaches the yoga class I was taking). She was assigned as my nurse which was fantastic and even though her shift was over at 3pm she stayed until the baby was born. I was hooked up to the contraction machine and even though I was having contractions regularly I wasn't feeling a thing. They put me on pitocin to see if that would move things along but it really didn't make that much of an impact. I was thoroughly enjoying myself - walking around, eating sherbert and listening to wonderful nature scapes music. I thought this was going to be much easier than Nathan's birth and boy was I wrong...... Eventually they decided that the pitocin wasn't working and even though I was between 4 and 5 cms I wasn't progressing fast enought (my Dr. was very tired and wanted to go home). So, they fully ruptured my membranes (broke my water - I'd only had a slow leak) and then things really started moving. Within 2 minutes of them breaking my water I was in complete agony with very painful contractions. When I relaxed with certain contractions they weren't as bad but with M as my nurse and not my doula there were other things she needed to do and monitor and couldn't fully focus on the relaxation. I felt as bad as I did at the end of NeNe's birth when I felt I couldn't do it anymore and I wanted to either run away (ha ha) or call for my "Mommy" I was checked again and still only 5cms so I decided there was no way I was going to deal with this pain if I didn't need to so I called for the epidural (even though I'd been so proud that I didn't have one for NeNe's birth). The Dr. worked fast and I had an epidural very shortly after that but within the 10 mins of deciding to get one and having to sit up for him to put it in my back I was ready to push. I may have been the position I was sitting in for the epidural but the baby came down very quickly and I wanted to push right then and there - this was all of a half hour after they ruptured my water and I'd been eating sherbert and thinking things were great. They epidural worked really fast and as soon as it was in I was on back and pushing. The epidural was great in the sense that it really only numbed the pushing, which is numbing in and of itself, but because the edge was taken off I was really able to enjoy the birth itself. They put a big mirror up so I could watch and I know it sounds insane, but it was absoluletly incredible to watch. I pushed maybe all of 4 or 5 times and the baby was out. We could see the head first and as expected it was a full head of black hair and a small little head. Another push and the head was out and the final push and the back was out and then we saw them..... balls and a peepee. Maureen screamed "It's a Boy!" and I yelled "Oh Shit!" Most of you know we were expecting a little girl, who we had been prepping NeNe for and planned on calling her Claire. We were totally shocked to say the least. He's absolutely perfect though and we are so happy. We brought him home from the hospital in the cutest little pink outfit.... He looks a lot like NeNe did but with dark hair/skin/eyes. My Mom removed all the girl clothes from the dresser and closet and put them away and went through all of Nathan's old clothes to wash and put them away. We have girl bedding on the crib and the dresser has the most adorable furniture knobs with princess and cupcakes that will have to be replaced with airplanes and trucks at some point. He's an adorable little guy with a mild tempermend and we wouldn't change a thing. He was born at 7:04pm on June 1st weighting 8lbs 2oz and 20 1/2 inches long.

Anyway, that's the official story. We've now been home a week and I'm recovering well. NeNe is still adjusting, but all in all it's going great.

"She's Beautiful"

At the Dr. office this morning Nathan was absolutely hysterical. One young (20's) attractive woman came in and Nathan announces to the rest of the room "There's a pretty girl" then he proceeds to entice her into conversation by asking her the same endless question over and over and over again "What do I have in my hand?" for about 15 minues. She was fairly polite and would answer him occasionally but mostly myself or Dave would say "you have a bowl of fruit or you have your truck in your hand" whatever the case happened to be. Another woman came in later, who happened to be fairly pregnant, just like me, and I asked Nathan if he thought that lady had a baby in her belly and he looks over at her and says "She's beautiful!". Dave said she was rather attractive. I was called into the office shortly after that. Well, the Dr. was running about an hour and half late so I waited in examing room for about 45 mins and meanwhile more and more people kept showing up to the office and the waiting room was packed when I was finished. When we were leaving Dave asked Nathan to say goodbye and of course he looks over at the pretty young woman, tilts his head to the side and says in "bye bye" while batting his eyelashes. (The "beautiful" pregnant woman was no longer in the room). Then of course, Dave tries to get him to say goodbye to the rest of the room full of normal and maybe not so attractive people and it was like pulling teeth. He eventually gave a quick glance over the other women and says "bye" before we left. We are convinced we have a womanizer on our hands and are pretty sure we know his "type" already. Long straight dark hair and a nice smile! He's too funny and we are going to have to keep an eye on him - seems he might take after the original Pop.